The Dictator's Handbook

Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of a country, its people, and its resources. Granted, exciting times may be ahead, but you need to be prepared for any eventuality such as, say, an eruption of protests or - I don't know - a revolution.
This nifty little handbook will help you navigate dark waters ahead; in the event that you are a desert-based dictator, it will help you discern mirages from reality. Try to follow the advice herein very carefully, your life and your wardrobe may depend on it.

1- Don't be a dick. A benevolent dictator is more likely to be successful inducing a whole country into Stockholm-Syndrome-esque adoration. But if they so much as sneeze wrong, then by all means, be an absolute dick. An iron fist is very useful in quelling dissent, or a flu.

2- Always keep a large group of yes-men and women around. They will serve as a buffer between you and true morality. However, do not ask them if you look "fat in this," you won't like it then.

3- Marry a domineering, cruel, but beautiful woman. Cheat on her often; hell hath no fury as a woman scorned and your population will get the brunt of it. They probably deserve it, anyway.

4- Clothes. You must have clothes. (There have been one or two emperors who have made do without, but that's a whole other story.)
It is advisable that you maintain a certain style, a certain flair, a certain "look." Hats, sunglasses, heels, tents, whatever it is you need to wear to get due attention, wear it. It's even better if your style is so bizarre, it makes people think you're crazy enough to do anything, including boil them alive.

5- Be nice to the West. The East can go fuck itself. Unless the West doesn't like you. In which case the East can have its ass kissed.

6- Rambling speeches at the UN. Nice touch.

7- Rambling speeches in general are encouraged. It doesn't matter who your audience is. You are Dictator. You can give a rambling speech to a goat, if you so wish.

8- A pet goat, while you're at it. Or a tiger, dictators love tigers. Or monkeys. Monkey are cool. Boas, spiders, a human slave, etc. For a more "royal" touch, you'll need horses, too. Maybe even have glitzy, billion-dollar races in your country. Or any other kind of race. Car races, for example. Like Formula 1. Or something.

9- Have lots of kids and make sure you nurture feelings of abject hate and mistrust between them. You can't trust any of the bastards, so Divide and Conquer it is. Besides, it will keep them too busy to eye your position, and whittling their number down to the last one standing can be an easy way to pick an heir.

10- Pillage your country's resources. If worse comes to worst, destroy them as you run. It's very important that you maintain your ruthless reputation till the very end. Well, maybe not the *exact* end. You can, for example, arrive in court on a stretcher.

You are now ready to take command and unleash hell. Just remember, always have a Plan B, just in case. Some of you could be fashion designers, some of you could be best-selling authors or something totally random, like ophthalmologists.
Good luck!