Are We Talking Pills Here?

The countdown to the End Of Days is well on its way. This Saturday, what is now commonly known as the Rapture will be taking place at approximately 6pm. Nobody bothered telling me whether that would be Eastern Standard Time or just Standard Crazy Talk. Also, when we say "rapture," are we talking about the kind where people wear sunglasses at night and can't stop swinging their arms in the air as they listen to a fast beat caught on loop with their brains getting fried, or is it more the kind where they get swooped up into the sky while they're driving cars or planes and we're left with shit traffic to deal with afterwards? I have the feeling it's the latter, but we'll only know that for sure when the planet witnesses a sharp decrease in overall lunacy.
So in light of impending doom (or horrendous traffic), it is prudent that we discuss the ramifications of such an event, which I suspect will be far-reaching and wide:

1- Church is probably going to be empty come Sunday. 
2- Glenn Beck will be out of a lucrative job. 
3- Israel will lose a big ally, forcing it to come up with a new plan to replace "The Apocalypse" in order to continue its rampage against Palestinians. 
4- There will be an increase of smugness amongst the general Muslim population. 
5- Buddhists in all probability won't care. 
6- Republicans will keep drumming up inane issues nobody gives a flying fart about, because it's an addiction and they can't stop, even with their core electoral group now seated on clouds with popcorn in hand, having paid dearly for front-row seats to the bloodbath below. 
7- Obama will stop pretending he's white. Or a democrat. 
8- I will have to find some other topic to make incessant fun of. 

There's a lot more, but I'll leave it at that. For now.
But I will admit, after this weekend, I'll truly miss that thing on top of Donald Trump's head.

P.S. If it all turns out to be the other kind of "rapture," someone better invite me to that kick-ass party or I'm unleashing hell on the planet.