Monday, March 5, 2012

STOCKHOLM, HERE I COME!


I was a hostage once.
Well, it was for about 5 hours, but still, had three guns pointed at my head the whole time. 
Looking back at that night, I can't help but think of all the mistakes that were made and how things could have turned out differently.

So below are a few comments that I think every would-be captor could benefit from:


1- You need to be sober, man. No would-be victim is going to take you seriously if you're slurring your words. And things get awkward when we need to ask you to repeat yourself. Look sharp, it helps up the terror factor.

2- Make sure you have a big gun. A small gun could do the job, sure. But an M16 or Kalashnikov has more reach. You'll be able to butt someone's head without stepping into their personal space. Etiquette and all that.

3- Don't get dragged into long-winded conversations. You don't want to hear about all the times we were unjustly grounded by our parents and how that left a blemish on our souls. Believe me: All that talking was instrumental in my kidnappers letting me go, if only to shut me the hell up.

4- Beware of Stockholm Syndrome, even during short kidnappings. People like me are highly sensitive. We might want marriage at the end of the ordeal, and no self-respecting asshole would ever accept being taken hostage in turn, and for life, via a ring.
Stay vigilant.

5- Practice makes perfect. I personally was insulted that such amateurs would dare attempt this shit with me. But a highly-skilled killer and kidnapper extraordinaire? Respect.
Note: This can increase the possibility of the victim developing Stockholm Syndrome. See point 4. 

6-  Please, whatever you do, if you must be the spokesman for the group, make sure your voice is deep, a growl, hoarse, scary, and not like your balls are yet to drop. YOU'RE JUST MAKING IT HARDER FOR US TO DEVELOP STOCKHOLM SYNDROME AND WHAT THE FUCK ELSE IS THERE TO LOOK FORWARD TO?

7- If you must make advances on your captive, be suave, witty, romantic, or if none of this applies to you, then for fuck's sake be a man and don't let a 20 year old like I was back then almost throw up and get you all flustered, you stupid, ball-less douche.

8- Don't tell your captive your name. Or your mama's name. Or your sister's name. Or the village you come from. It helps if you're not drunk and spilling your heart out to a psychology major like myself, you stupid, stupid man.

There you have it. Feedback straight from the captive.
Hopefully, this will be the beginning of a long and fruitful career in being a professional asshole.
Good luck!

4 comments:

  1. hahaha..They picked you? out of the 7 billion freaks living on this planet, you're one of the last, Id pick to cidnap; poor.. poor kids

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    1. I know, right?
      I'm guessing they warned ALLLL their friends about it too, hasn't happened even once ever since (humph).

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  2. wont swear to any god, but if i was the kidnapper i wouldn't have accepted to release you, would have just left you locked so that u entertain me n have fun.

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    Replies
    1. Your comment made me laugh out loud :D
      Thanks for taking the time to read it!

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